This week’s blog post and Instagram posts are very personal to me.
As an artist, social media is both a help and a hindrance. It is both time-consuming but mandatory in today’s market. The struggle many artists have is finding a balance between personal and professional. How much of yourself do you put on display for the masses? Many artists show off only their professional side and their work. Others fully integrate their personal lives alongside their art. I’ve tried to sprinkle in bits of my personal life here and that, of what makes me who I am, but tow the line between too much and not enough.
My life outside the social media and markets
Earlier this year I was pregnant. Brian and I were ecstatic after having been told that, due to medical reasons, we would not be able to conceive. We had previously lost two babies due to miscarriages and were very pessimistic that we would get pregnant again. So we hoped and prayed until the seventh week. Our previous babies were both lost at week six, therefore, week seven was a victory for us allowing us to grow less wary and more hopeful.
I had decided this pregnancy would be the one where I simply enjoy being pregnant. Foregoing the stress over what might happen in favor of enjoying the moments of knowing I was growing our little bean. Rather than plan too far in advance I approached it with a degree of cautious optimism. Despite wanting to dive into being pregnant, being a Mom finally, I knew that I needed to be realistic.
Complications
In April I was admitted into the hospital for shortness of breath which had gotten progressively worse over the last several weeks. Assuming it was due to an increasingly sedentary lifestyle I attributed it to me being out of shape. That was until the day that I almost passed out walking a mere ten feet. It turned out I had developed a serious and potentially deadly saddle pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in both my lungs.
As a precaution, I was told to go see my OB for a post-hospital check-up. It was then that we received the heartbreaking news; our baby had stopped growing at nine weeks. To say we were devastated fails to capture how hurt and saddened we were, are, and probably always will be. The tiniest bit of solace came from the fact they were able to get a sample which allowed us to test for the gender of the baby and the cause of the miscarriage. With that information she was granted her name, one we had carefully chosen, Felicity Emma.
Loss, honoring a life, and friends
When we first found out we were pregnant, I asked David and Renee (of Its David and Renee) to make a memory box. A place to store “All The Things” that come with being pregnant: baby books, sonograms, letters, post-it notes, hospital knick-knacks, and such. Knowing how amazing they are I gave them full creative freedom to create it however they saw fit. My only criteria was size and that it be able to close. It would be like receiving a surprise gift even though it was something I commissioned.
When we lost Felicity, her memory box became her memorial box. It still holds her baby books, her first and last pictures, letters, and notes. The box itself is truly a work of art. David crafted it using Curly Maple and Walnut. The chatoyance in the maple is truly beautiful and mesmerizing and I love moving it so I can watch the light dance on the grains. The walnut trim adds a beautiful contrast to the maple’s creamy light color. It was so beautiful I almost didn’t want to burn on it. I knew, however, that to help me heal and to grieve I needed to complete it. We treated this piece as if it was a commission from a customer. I put us first and created a pattern that paid homage to us and her by creating bouquets of our birth flowers according to our month of birth. I lost myself in the burn, seeking solace as I created as I always do.
Felicity’s box is so much more than a box. It is a hug from afar, a simple comfort in a time of great sorrow. You can tell when the artist has become a part of the piece. I am blessed to have them as friends.
Facts about Miscarriages:
Miscarriage is the sudden loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. About 10% to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is likely higher. This is because many miscarriages happen early on before people realize they’re pregnant. And because of the stigma of having a miscarriage.
Most miscarriages happen because the unborn baby doesn’t develop properly. About half to two-thirds of miscarriages in the first trimester are linked to extra or missing chromosomes.
Things that don’t cause a miscarriage
- Exercise, as long as you’re healthy.
- Sex.
- Arguments.
- Use of birth control pills before getting pregnant.
- Working,
Things that may cause a miscarriage
- Uncontrolled diabetes.
- Infections.
- Hormonal problems.
- Uterus or cervix problems.
- Thyroid disease.
- Obesity.
If you or someone you know is in need of counseling, please do not hesitate to seek help. Loss and grief can be overwhelming. There are groups that specialize in infant and pregnancy loss. There are many groups and counselors available for support.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I may be early, but I am honoring my girl.
If you read this far, I love you, and you mean the world to me for hearing our story. Stay unique my friends.
